I’ve written before about my inconstant relationship with responsibility– sometimes I resist it, other times I claim it all as my own then complain that I have too much. I recently had an experience that displays a vivid example of this tendency.

Earlier this year we added a new member to the band– Mauro, a fine drummer. Our first meeting in early March seemed very promising. The following day the entire country went on lockdown. We saw no one but the grocery store clerks from March 9th to May 18th.

Later in the summer we felt safe enough to get together to rehearse again outdoors. In the meantime Mauro had studied all of the recordings of Michael’s songs and charted the arrangements. From the first actual rehearsal with the full drum kit Mauro had the right feel and knew all the stops and rhythmic quirks. AND he has a great voice! It was a wonderful addition and we all seemed to step up our game.

I suggested that we schedule a concert as something to work toward and to show off our new sound. We had also been wanting to get some decent video of our performances to use for promotion. Our bass player, Chris, has a gorgeous outdoor stage. We invited a limited number of guests in order to keep safe and socially distant.

The weather in late September is often lovely but not guaranteed. The week before our scheduled date it poured rain and the forecast was dismal. We postponed until the following weekend but the weather was still iffy and getting colder. Trying to manage the combined factors of weather and ventilation and people’s schedules and who could film us wound me up tight. At one point I was sitting in the piazza having a nice coffee with a couple of band members and I was practically shrieking about all the problems that no one but I was worrying about. No one was taking any responsibility AND they were doing it all wrong!

Part of the problem with the concert was trying to achieve multiple goals with the same event. We ended up filming an outdoor rehearsal on a lovely day. That’ll do for now.

One of the reasons I bring this up is because shortly afterwards I noticed the same behavior in a different group project. Some colleagues and I are beginning to plan an event and immediately I went to all of the factors my teammates weren’t taking into consideration and I’m the only one who sees how complicated this is and it’s all dumped on me.

Whoa! Hold on. That’s not true AND that attitude does not serve the whole.

I do not have this all figured out but I think it’s a good first step that I’m noticing when I start to freak out. Even just writing this I can feel the cortisol start to flow. If I can stop and breathe and untangle the issues then I’m less likely to turn into a banshee.